Undeserved Love…

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found,

Leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it,

And I don’t deserve it,

Still, You give Yourself away

 When I was Your foe,

Still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me

When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me

You have been so, so kind to me

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up

Coming after me

There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down

Coming after me.

~Reckless Love

By Cory Asbury  

A while back Manny and I ran into someone we hadn’t seen in a while.

As this guy walked by I nudged Manny and said, ‘Isn’t that so-and-so?’

I almost didn’t recognize him because he looked kinda different…

Manny called him over to where we were sitting and he talked to us.

Very quickly it became clear why we didn’t recognize him at first.

His whole countenance had changed.

He walked into the room with his arm around a woman who wasn’t his wife.

Manny and I showed him Love and Manny gave him a hug,

But we both grew quiet.

We both knew what was going on.

  All day long my heart was heavy when I thought of our friend.

My knee-jerk reaction was anger.

But as I prayed about him the song ‘Reckless Love’ came to mind.

Our friend had wandered away.

He left the ninety-nine.

~I remember a day in my life when I too had left.

I was angry, not at God, but at the people that called themselves Christians.

   They spat at me (But God didn’t)

They turned their back on me, (But God didn’t) 

They spoke condemnation over me, (But God didn’t) 

God didn’t.

No,

God showed me such kindness

God showed me such goodness 

 That I had to come back to Him..

He came running, not walking,

But running after me.

I simply had to crumble into His arms..

How then could I show any less love to our friend?

  ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ ~John 8:7

Why oh why do we so quickly forget that it is

God’s Kindness that leads us to repentance?  ~Romans 2:4

‘Even if you think you can stand up to temptation,

Be careful lest you fall’, ~1 Corinthians 10:12

Religion tells us to cluck our tongue at those we see in sin.

It tells us; ‘At least you haven’t done that!’

As if our sins are any better than the other guys sin…

In the eyes of God, all of our sins are equal.

His Great Love for us is not based upon our works,

He knew we could never be good enough

So He stepped down into earth

To walk with us,

To commune with us,

To take the punishment for our sins,

 So that we may be with Him.

He longs to be with us!

He leaves the ninety-nine to run after us.

Jesus runs after us

Scoops us into His arms,

Kisses us

And holds us close to His heart.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found,

Leaves the ninety-nine.

 

Read Full Post »

Alone…

Roll, roll me away,
won’t you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed
and I’m sick of what’s wrong and what’s right

‘Roll Me Away’ ~Bob Seger

What do you do when even the church betrays you?

When you are hurt by the ones that are supposed to have the medicine?

What do you do when

The ones that are meant to be safe

Are unsafe?

What do you do then...

If you’re anything like me, you hide.

You build a wall around yourself so that nothing and no one else can hurt you.

Yeah, thats what I do…

Thats what I’ve done.

The problem with that is it doesn’t work.

Building a wall from ever getting hurt again only leads to loneliness…

And being alone sucks.

As I am sitting here writing this the only living thing around me are plants.

Plants and the ticking of a clock somewhere off in another room…

(But the clocks not actually alive…it’s just making a sound)

~When you are physically hurt you go to a dr. to diagnose the pain and apply medicine,

When your soul is hurt you are supposed to go to God and God’s people

To help heal your souls pain.

But what do you do when the soul wounds are inflicted by the ‘soul healers’…

Whatcha-gonna-do?

Once-upon-a-time I lived in a city that was full of Christian churches.

Name your flavor.

It was there.

I was raised in the church so I knew how to act and how to fit in.

But alas, when I lived in that city I grew weary of acting,

And I decided to let my limp show.

Guess what?

My limp exposed all the other Christian’s limps,

But they didn’t know it.

My taking off my mask of ‘Perfection’,

Brought about tongue lashings and rejection of the cruelest kind.

The kind that’s done in the name of God.

This happened over 13 years ago,

And to this day I am still scared to come out of hiding.

I still shiver when I walk as a visitor into a church.

My smile still quivers when I greet people,

Because deep inside my heart,

The tape player plays back the old voices…

Voices of condemnation,

Voices of shame.

So I hide.

~And while I’ve been told,

to have a friend

You have to be a friend.

You have to smile and show yourself friendly,

And ask about others,

About their story…

But if I do that,

They might turn around

And ask about me about mine…

And I would have to reveal that I have a limp,

And face their scorn.

No,

It’s easier to hide.

While I may not be able to fit into the mask I once wore of ‘Perfection’

I at least do not have to place myself in a seat of inspection from others.

I’ve done that too.

I’ve thought, ‘well I might as well just tell them up front what my limp is

And they can reject me right away..’

But that didn’t work either.

(Sigh…)

What do I do with my limp?

What do I do with my poor, ragged, muddied soul?

I give it to God…

I give it to Him.

He alone holds the balm.

He alone mends my limp.

He alone holds my head to His chest.

He alone.

Alone.

Read Full Post »

The Whisper of Roots…

Deep within the heart of each of us

Are our roots.

Our roots are our beginning, our foundation, our heritage…

Lately my roots have been whispering to me.

My great grandfather was a Mennonite preacher.

Whenever I see an Amish or Mennonite person

I longingly watch and admire them.

I admire their dress,

I admire their simplicity.

My roots begin calling me home.

Not home to Kansas, and not home to become Mennonite

But home to simplicity.

Yesterday I baked a homemade apple pie

And wore my apron around the house all day long.

I peeled and cored the apples and mixed my pie crust with my fingers,

The cinnamon apple aroma that filled the house made my heart smile…

Today I will feed my family food my hands have lovingly prepared.

We have green beans that we canned ourselves,

Tomatoes, cucumbers and onions

From our own garden,

And homemade Apple Pie,

Made completely from scratch.

The call of simplicity and the call of my roots grow stronger.

One day maybe Manny and I will answer our call

And go live off the land….

Just like our ancestors did.

Read Full Post »

When God Stopped…

As Jesus approached Jericho,

A blind beggar was sitting beside the road.

When he heard the noise of a crowd going past,

He asked what was happening.

They told him that Jesus the Nazarene was going by.

So he began shouting,

“Jesus, Son of David,

Have mercy on me!”

“Be quiet!”

The people in front yelled at him.

But he only shouted louder,

“Son of David, have mercy on me!”

When Jesus heard him,

He Stopped

And ordered that the man be brought to him.

As the man came near, Jesus asked him,

“What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord,” he said, “I want to see!”

And Jesus said,

“All right, receive your sight!

Your faith has healed you.”

Instantly the man could see,

And he followed Jesus, praising God.

And all who saw it praised God, too.

~Luke 18:35-43

I love the part where the blind man,

Didn’t give up…

But instead he cried louder…

“Son Of David, Have Mercy On Me!”

“Be Quiet!”,

Hissed the people,

But the blind man cried even louder..

And Jesus stopped.

God Stopped.

“Bring him to Me…”

And He healed the blind man.

OH, how that speaks to me.

OH, how I desire for God to say about me,

“Bring her to Me…”

To know,

To absolutely know

That God Himself wants to draw me to Him.

OH to be held with my head close to His Heart….

OH to know that my voice is heard,

And not drowned out by the crowd,

That mock me,

And tell me to HUSH!

You see,

God saw the sparrow

That just fell in the woods…

How much more does

He see you,

And hear you…

Keep crying out!

Louder if you have to,

Until God stops,

And says,

“Bring her to me…”

Read Full Post »

Alone…

“Elijah went up by a whirlwind into Heaven.

And Elisha saw him no more…

~2 Kings 2:11-12

This story in the Bible about Elijah and Elisha,

Has always made me sad.

God said that He was going to take Elijah away,

And Elisha knew it as well.

Elijah was Elisha’s mentor,

He was his leader,

Elisha leaned on Elijah.

As they were walking towards the Jordan,

A company of men came up to Elisha and said;

“Do you know that the Lord is going to take your master

Away from you today?”

And Elisha replied,

“Yes, I know it,

So be quiet!”

It bothered him.

He knew he was going to have to go back alone…

He knew he was going to have to travel alone…

He knew that he was going to finish the race alone…

The one person he was depending on to be there by his side

Was leaving.

Elisha was going to have to recross the Jordan,

By himself.

Everywhere he had gone with his master before,

He now faced alone.

Alone.

God never intended Elijah to stay with Elisha.

Once upon a time Elijah mentored Elisha,

But then there came a time when Elisha,

Had to put into practice

What he had learned when he was being mentored.

And he had to do it alone.

It is the same for you and me.

There is a season of learning,

And a season of doing.

And the season of doing,

Must be tested alone.

This causes distress inside you…

This causes distress inside of me…

But it must be done.

We have to cross our Jordan’s alone.

God wants us to trust in Him alone.

God wants us to lean on Him alone.

God was with us when we took our first breath,

And He will be with us when we take our last.

Him Alone.

When all is said and done,

It will be Emmanuel,

It will be God With Us….

So we will not really truly,

Be Alone.

Read Full Post »

Who is God The Father…God the Papa……

It seems all I want to do lately is spend time alone with God.

I hear music and it makes me think of how He created music…

I see the blue, blue skies of Colorado,

And it makes me think of how He created them for me just this morning….

I sip my warm cup of coffee and smile…

Everything makes me think of Him.

Him.

God the Creator

God the Father…..

Once upon a time,

Not that long ago,

I used to ask who

God the Father was….

I knew Jesus.

I experienced the Holy Spirit,

But God the Father…

He seemed so distant…

So very, very far away…

He was the disapproving One,

The frowning One,

The disappointed-in-me One.

So, I stayed at a distance,

And spent time talking to Jesus.

Yes, they are Three-In-One,

But the only One I thought cared of the Triune,

Was Jesus.

Then one day, my heart heard Him called Papa.

Papa.

Heavenly Papa.

The name Heavenly Father still sounded aloof….

But Papa….

Papa is a name you run to,

Not run from.

My heart began to wonder about the Heavenly Papa…

My heart began to glance at Him….

My heart began to yearn for Him.

Wondering if this Heavenly Papa really did actually Love me…

And not frown on me…

And so quietly, every morning,

I began to dare to slip into my prayer room,

Gather my blanket over me,

Sip my cup of warm coffee,

And whisper…

“Papa, Heavenly Papa, Good Morning….I love you”

And I would feel His welcoming reply…

“I Love you too my precious daughter…..

I Love you too.”

Read Full Post »

Big Church…..little church

Last year we took a road trip to visit our daughters in South Carolina.  We had never visited the south and we figured the best way to visit was to drive completely thru it.

We saw cotton fields, thick, thick trees, and the mighty Mississippi.

We also saw something that caught my heart.

While winding down one particular twisting highway I saw this really big church.  It had big white columns on its grand porch, and it was surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

It caught my attention because it was a church, and churches generally represent God, and God always captures the attention of my heart…

Especially a church….that represents God……and has a wrought iron fence wrapped around it….

My heart pondered. Why would a church that is supposed to represent God have an iron fence around it…

hmmmmmm….

About a half a mile down the road on the right we quickly drove past another church.

But this church was different…

This was a tiny church.

tiny.

It had no columns…or porches…or fences.

It was a wooden clapboard church with paint peeling off…..

And it sat just a half mile down from the Big Church.

Both churches spoke, and both churches spoke something completely different.

The Big Church spoke of wealth and prosperity…

The tiny church cried…it wept.

Both were supposed to be symbolic of the Same God.

But I knew in my heart that wasn’t the case.

We kept driving…..and driving…….and driving.

Finally we arrived at our daughter’s house and had a sweet time visiting our new grandson and their family.

But…right across the street…was another tiny church.

It wasn’t quite like the one we had driven past earlier, this one was made of brick and stone but it was the same kind of church.

It also was a little black church…

Right across the street.

I saw some young boys that went to the church outside talking and each time I went outside I smiled and waved and said Hello!  And Oh, how I wanted to go inside that church and worship with them.

It was all I could do to not say to my family, “Ok guys, tonite I am gonna go over and visit the church across the street and worship”…

But I didn’t. I didn’t.  I stayed and visited and had a sweet time talking with my girls.

A couple days into our vacation it was our anniversary.

We talked about what we should do to celebrate it and Charleston came up.

I knew nothing about Charleston, only that it was by the ocean and frankly, I didn’t know if I really truly wanted to spend four more hours in the car after we had already taken such a long road trip…

But something made me change my mind.

As we were talking with some people down there, a lady began telling us about Charleston and the different places you could visit.

“Be sure and visit The Market, if you go”, she said, then she whispered to me, “It used to be the Slave Market…”

Oh!

I knew right then and right there I HAD to go.

You see I have always raised my son with a sense of justice.  To stick up for the underdog, and to never follow the crowd if the crowd is wrong….

One day when he was in fourth grade, I went along to the Denver Museum with his class.  Nick, comes running up to me and says “Come here mom, you have GOT to look at this!  It is EVIL!”   I wondered what it could be that had him so shook up.  He grabbed my hand and led me around the corner, and in a glassed in case was a ku klux klan outfit.  The mannequin was covered in the white sheet with the pointed hat.  Even though Nick had never, ever seen anything like it in his life, he knew what it represented, and he knew it was evil.

I told him he was right,  it really truly was evil, and I walked away from that day, never forgetting the impact that had on him.

So, when I had the chance to go to Charleston and visit The Market, I knew I had to take it.  I wanted to walk those same floors that the precious people years ago stood on and were sold on….I wanted to somehow close my eyes and wish that I could undo all the wrongs of the past…

I did get the chance to walk thru that long narrow market.  I walked in and out of the buildings, in the sweltering heat, wondering how in the world the slaves with iron around their neck ever survived.  I looked up at the wooden ceilings, down at the wooden floors and imagined the cries and tears these walls absorbed over and over again.

And I prayed.  I prayed.

I prayed for God to forgive the greed of our past.  Money is the root of all evil and money was exchanged for precious hearts and precious lives.

One day The Healer will return and correct all the injustice in the world.

He will.

But until then all I can do is hold a hand…….wipe a tear……pray a prayer……and comfort a wounded soul.

The scars run deep in Charleston.  Deeper than any other place I have visited.  The blood in that land cries out for Justice…

If you go walk those wooden halls in silence, you will hear it too….

Take Heart.  God hears.  God sees.

And Our Deliverer Is Coming…..

He is Coming Soon…

Read Full Post »

Atheism is a Wound…

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

“Laughing With”

Regina Spektor

I have never met a true atheist.  I have met people that call themselves atheist, but when we talk, inevitably it came out that they were actually very angry at God because of some horrible, terrible wound they had suffered at some point in their life.

How can you be angry at something/someone you don’t even believe exists?…….

No.  It is much easier to deny God and somehow ‘slap Him in the face‘, then to admit that this Omniscient Being would allow tragedy to occur, and you walk away bleeding the rest of your life.

The Wounds……O The Wounds.

The absolute worst wounds are the wounds of the heart……..the wounds of intention…..the wounds that come from inside the church…….the very place you are supposed to feel safe…..

Safe.

I am so very careful to not cause pain, but of course since I am human I still do; but I honestly try not to intentionally, because I tell others that I am a Follower of Jesus, and I don’t want to mar His Name.  ~It’s the same reason I place no bumper stickers on my car about God.  If I cut someone off, or if I am driving rude, what name do you think that person behind me will see?

Anyhoo.

Jesus said, “I have come to bind up the brokenhearted”  And who exactly did Jesus have the most rejection from?

The sinners? (No, Jesus was called the Friend of the Sinners..)

It was the church of His day.  The beautiful, perfect, never-do-anything-wrong Pharisees.

And if we’re not careful, it will be the pharisees of today that will also lash out at us.

But who wants to be careful?  Who wants to walk perfectly, trying to impress some mere man?

I want to live for an audience of One.

I have learned, from all the many years of growing up in the church and seeing the politics behind the scenes, that the majority of the ones that call themselves Christians, are not Christ Followers at all.  They are only ones who want promotion, recognition, pats on the back from their fellow men.

I could have, at one point, made a decision, that all this God stuff is just fantasy because of what I saw with my eyes, and heard with my ears…

But somehow, deep inside of me, I KNEW that what I saw and heard wasn’t God……wasn’t God.

Now, my husband and I are going to the most authentic, real church we have ever been to.  It is called The Road.

But it has taken years to find.  Years.

I thank God for bringing us to The Road.

And, yet, I am very aware, that it is run by humans, and we are still surrounded by very human Followers of Christ, that have themselves been wounded by modern day pharisees, just like me, and some of them drive around with bumper stickers about God on their car while cutting other cars off…..

Atheism is a Symptom of a Great Wound that cut to the Deepest Part of the Heart.

And that kind of wound is one only Jesus can Bind Up and Heal.

Read Full Post »

What’s Your Sin…

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged.

“For in the way you judge, you will be judged;

And by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye…

But do not notice the log that is in your own eye?…

Matthew 7

I recently have been re-listening to Rich Mullins songs.

Every once in a while I come back to his songs….

They begin repeating themselves in my head, and I pay attention to the lyrics.

My all time favorite has to be the song, ‘We are Not as Strong as we Think we are.’

The lyrics go like this:

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can’t even keep these thoughts
Of you from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can’t do that I know that it is frightening
What I don’t know is why we can’t hold on
We can’t hold on

When you love you walk on the water
Just don’t stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin’ awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
‘Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are

Amazing words…

About Amazing Grace…

So, the other day I was clicking thru one of the facebook pages dedicated to him and I ran across a comment by someone who called him up on a ‘sin’ that Rich was supposed to have done.

I don’t know if Rich did the sin or didn’t.

I honestly did not care.

Rich’s life was so incredibly transparent and honest, he was so humble and daily cried out for God’s Grace and Mercy, knowing full well he was not capable of earning Heaven on his own merits, that whether or not Rich did what this person accused him of, meant little to nothing in my eyes.

Sigh…

I could ask why people need to judge one another, like they are better then the next, but I already know the answer.

It is simple.

We have an enemy that whispers in our ears that we are undeserving of God’s Grace.  He whispers our shame and our deep dark secrets of our past in our mind and we allow them to swirl round about like a pinball machine pinging around over and over…

Because we truly do not believe that God adores us and has Completely forgiven us of our sins when we asked Him to, we feel the need to earn and work for our deliverance.

We have to point the finger at others sins. To draw the attention away from our own sins.

The idea of Unmerited, Unearned Grace is simply more then we can wrap our heads around…

And so the lie continues boinking around in our heads…..

This is one area of my life I am Sooooo familiar with.

I  know, because my sin used to be, and can still be, (if I am not constantly on the watch for it), judging others.

The concept of Grace and the Love of God is almost too big for me to grasp.

Why?

Because I Am Not as Strong, As I Think I Am……

And, my dear friend…

Neither are you.

Read Full Post »

The God Who Sees Me…

Jehovah El Roi

The God Who Sees…

In Genesis A mother named Hagar, and her son were banished into the wilderness where she sat down and cried…

God heard her cries and answered her prayer and in response she called Him Jehovah El Roi; The God who sees me…

Sometimes our deepest heart cry is to be seen, to be recognized, to be validated….

To be noticed.

As children we delight in being noticed.  Serenity our granddaughter LOVES it when Papa plays with her and pays attention to her.  She will shamelessly toss a toy at him to garner his attention.  She WANTS to be NOTICED by her Papa who is very, VERY important to her….

My heart as an adult is for God to notice me.

I rise early in the morning to talk to Him, to hear His Heart for me…..to see if He is listening to my cries….hearing me shamelessly call out to Him to hear me………to see me.

The Bible says that He sees the fall of the sparrow.  It doesn’t say He sees the fall of sparrows, no, it says THE Sparrow..

The little grey bird that has no particular bright colored beauty to it.

God created it inside its shell and saw when it learned to fly, then saw when it took it’s last breath and fell to the ground…

Nothing is to unimportant for Him not to notice.

He sees.

And He cares.

You matter to Him.

Your thoughts matter to Him,

Your situations matter to Him.

He saw that little grey bird alone in the woods and He sees you right where you are…

He cares so much about you that He is calling out to you,

Are you tired, worn out, downtrodden and in despair?

Then you Qualify for God, Jehovah El Roi….

“Come to me you who are tired and worn out from life and let me hold you”

He Sees You……

He Does.

And He Desires to cradle you close in His Arms…

Read Full Post »