God-Of-Angel-Armies

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God has many names.

Many  names.

He is Jehovah Nissi,

My Victory.

Jehovah Rapha,

My Healer.

Jehovah Shalom,

My Peace.

Jesus called Him Father.

But lately,

We have needed

The God-of-Angel-Armies.

So that is the Name I cry out to.

We’ve needed a

Warrior God,

A Rush-To-Our-Defense-God,

 An I-Will-FIGHT-For-You-God.

And that is the name I call upon.

Whenever I cry out,

‘Oh God-Of-Angel-Armies come to our rescue!’

He Does.

I INSTANTLY feel His Presence.

Instantly.

We’ve felt such a need for a Redeemer,

For an All-Conquering,

All-Powerful,

Fearsome Warrior,

So I cry out and He is near…

I feel Him by my side…

Yes, the Holy Spirit dwells within me

and comforts me,

But He is also the one that quickens me

with the Name of God that we need for the moment.

And recently He has told me

God-Of-Angel-Armies…

Think of that name.

Lord-of-Hosts,

God-Of-Angel-Armies….

Angel ARMIES…

Mighty to Save…

All-Powerful!

CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!!!

Who is like Him?

NO ONE!!! 

Not one single person or thing.

He is Great,

And Greatly To Be Praised.

That is the God I’ve been talking with lately.

That is the God I’ve been walking with lately.

That is the God Who has been showing me

situations, people and things around me

to pray about and to pray for.

He is the same God my mother used to pray to

and her mother used to pray to

and her mother’s mother,

and on and on.

With that legacy behind me

how can I not call out to

The Name Above All Names,

Who comes to our rescue?

God-Of-Angel Armies

is right by my side.

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Beautifully Crushed…

I have a choice.

Because I have a voice I have a choice.

I can choose the easy way with little to no pain

and more comfort,

or I can choose a harder way which produces more pain,

but Character Growth.

~If I had the opportunity to choose what kind of life

I would be given before I was born,

I would’ve chosen a life

where the road was smooth.

Where the path was easy…

I would never have chosen heartache and grief.

No,

I would have planned my life

very carefully and purposefully

with little to no suffering involved…

~Good thing I wasn’t in charge...

The heartache I encountered

actually made my heart softer...

The suffering I shivered thru

gave me empathy…

The abandonment I experienced

made me look towards the lonely…

If you think about it,

the sweetest part of a peach

is actually the part that is bruised.

The bruise produced the sugar…

The crushing of the olive

produces the oil,

and the oil heals…

The oil heals.

How would I know what True Love feels like

without knowing rejection?

How would I know what Peace feels like

if I had never touched war?

I am Grateful for my scars.

I am Grateful for the times

my heart quivered inside me from doubt.

How would I know the Deliverer

if I’d never needed delivering?

  ~Am I through being crushed?

I hope not. 

I pray not.

Is it fun?

Absolutely not. 

But the fragrance that comes from a rose

when it’s petals are smashed

is Beautiful.

And one day,

when I am old and gray,

I want to be the most fragrant crushed flower

that produces healing…

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Alone…

Roll, roll me away,
won’t you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed
and I’m sick of what’s wrong and what’s right

‘Roll Me Away’ ~Bob Seger

What do you do when even the church betrays you?

When you are hurt by the ones that are supposed to have the medicine?

What do you do when

The ones that are meant to be safe

Are unsafe?

What do you do then...

If you’re anything like me, you hide.

You build a wall around yourself so that nothing and no one else can hurt you.

Yeah, thats what I do…

Thats what I’ve done.

The problem with that is it doesn’t work.

Building a wall from ever getting hurt again only leads to loneliness…

And being alone sucks.

As I am sitting here writing this the only living thing around me are plants.

Plants and the ticking of a clock somewhere off in another room…

(But the clocks not actually alive…it’s just making a sound)

~When you are physically hurt you go to a dr. to diagnose the pain and apply medicine,

When your soul is hurt you are supposed to go to God and God’s people

To help heal your souls pain.

But what do you do when the soul wounds are inflicted by the ‘soul healers’…

Whatcha-gonna-do?

Once-upon-a-time I lived in a city that was full of Christian churches.

Name your flavor.

It was there.

I was raised in the church so I knew how to act and how to fit in.

But alas, when I lived in that city I grew weary of acting,

And I decided to let my limp show.

Guess what?

My limp exposed all the other Christian’s limps,

But they didn’t know it.

My taking off my mask of ‘Perfection’,

Brought about tongue lashings and rejection of the cruelest kind.

The kind that’s done in the name of God.

This happened over 13 years ago,

And to this day I am still scared to come out of hiding.

I still shiver when I walk as a visitor into a church.

My smile still quivers when I greet people,

Because deep inside my heart,

The tape player plays back the old voices…

Voices of condemnation,

Voices of shame.

So I hide.

~And while I’ve been told,

to have a friend

You have to be a friend.

You have to smile and show yourself friendly,

And ask about others,

About their story…

But if I do that,

They might turn around

And ask about me about mine…

And I would have to reveal that I have a limp,

And face their scorn.

No,

It’s easier to hide.

While I may not be able to fit into the mask I once wore of ‘Perfection’

I at least do not have to place myself in a seat of inspection from others.

I’ve done that too.

I’ve thought, ‘well I might as well just tell them up front what my limp is

And they can reject me right away..’

But that didn’t work either.

(Sigh…)

What do I do with my limp?

What do I do with my poor, ragged, muddied soul?

I give it to God…

I give it to Him.

He alone holds the balm.

He alone mends my limp.

He alone holds my head to His chest.

He alone.

Alone.

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Giving Up…

‘Witchcraft and Religion have one thing in common,

They both want control…’

~John Hagee

Forgive me for rambling on this blog,

But so many thoughts are swirling thru my mind…

Thoughts of how I continually try to control life.

Thoughts of catching myself trying to be the Gate-Keeper

To the world around me…

I gaze at my life and at others lives and I realize

That most of us have at least one thing in common;

Most of us have experienced situations that make us feel out of control;

And that unsettles us…

So we naturally and instinctively

Try to gain control back,

As if we could….

It’s human nature.

We gather our little clan about us,

We plan and navigate our path,

We put locks on our doors,

And locks on our hearts,

And try to control any influences

That might try to harm us,

But the instant

Something bad and unwanted

Storms in our door without knocking

We realize,

We had zero control….

“Ah,” we think, as we analyze our strategy,

“This is my weak link, next time I’ll do

This different

And

That different…

I’ll shore up the walls more,

And hold back the tide better…”

But it never works.

As hard as we try with all of our money,

And with all of our might,

We cannot control

The world around us.

I know this because I have tried.

Oh how I have tried…

I have tried to control and manipulate

People and situations around me,

As if I were some grand chess master,

Trying to plan out and strategize the next move,

Trying to make everything work out wonderfully and perfect…

Tidy and neat, just as I imagine it to be.

It would be my version of Perfect.

Perfect.

No sickness for those around me,

No unhappiness for the ones I love,

And plenty of joy and laughter to fill the people around me.

I have even tried to manipulate and control God.

As if…

It’s very common when you are a mom

And you see forces beyond your control

Encroaching on you and yours,

To want to figure out a way to keep

Everything and everyone safe and happy.

But it never works…

When all is said and done in the end,

It never works.

When my children were young

I could control most of the influences around them..

I could lock doors and windows

To keep bad guys out.

And yet still,

Fever and sickness would come barging into

Ravage their young bodies,

And I would freeze…

Wondering what I had done wrong.

I would strategize and analyze,

And rethink how I could stop this enemy

From coming in again…

I would even bargain with God,

Trying to read my Bible more,

Spending more time in prayer,

As if that was the magical ticket, 

To keep my family safe…

Safe.

The funny thing about it is,

God was the answer

And God still is the answer,

But I was using Him as a genie in a bottle,

And not as an Omniscient Savior.

I didn’t really trust that He Knows,

He Knows.

He knows the very end.

He does.

He completely sits outside of time

And watches with a perspective

We will never see.

He does not fret or worry,

Because he is All-Knowing.

Whenever I find myself fretting about a situation,

I realize I am not trusting….

I am not believing…

In my heart I do not believe

That God is who He says He is,

And a whisper of a doubt comes sliding into my heart and mind saying,

‘Will God really take care of you and yours?’

And the next thing you know

Fear has crept in,

And I am back to controlling,

Back to manipulating.

Sigh…

I know the Answer.

I do.

It Is God.

God Alone.

So throughout the day,

Sometimes hundreds of times per day,

I have to tell my mind to,

Be quiet,

Be still,

Trust God…

Trust God.

I wish I could finish this blog

Saying that now I am doing it all right,

But I can’t.

When situations beyond my control slip in,

I can still find myself doubting.

When fear begins it’s whispering,

And my soul begins fretting,

I catch myself trying  to think of a magic formula

That would somehow fix…

Somehow make better….

My mind swirls and I begin to think,

“Maybe I should fast, and that would ease the situation, so I fast,

But I realize my fast was simply another form of control,

I cry and pray and read my Bible,

And I realize even that was fear based,

And not trust based,

And then I sigh….

And I go back into my prayer room,

Surrender myself to God,

Ask for forgiveness,

Let go of my fear,

Give up my control,

And with a trembling heart,

And quivering lips,

I surrender my situation once again to Him.

And Trust God.

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